What MEN really WANT from WOMEN (Part 3)

We've seen daughters look at their fathers with awe.  We've seen the same with little sisters and big brothers.  And we've seen women who are deeply in love.  This admiration is what men want from women, as it is written:

This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:32-33

Remember earlier about creation and Creator?  Man and woman, husband and wife are their picture!  Here, the husband and wife are encouraged to see the mystery; and the wife is encouraged to respect her husband as the church should respect Christ.  The word "respect" expresses deep awe, reverence, and admiration.

"But what if I don't genuinely admire my husband," says a discouraged woman?

At work, I overheard a woman saying something like this,

"I told him that if we are going to be in a relationship, he better not cheat on me, and he better not hit me!"

She said it like some women do when they are trying to show that they "don't take no mess from no man!"  I thought about this.  Why would a woman NEED to tell a man not to cheat on her or hit her?  What woman wants to be with a man where this is not a GIVEN?  How often does she have to "remind" him of this? In other words, if she did NOT tell him this, does she believe that he WOULD cheat on her and hit her?  

How could she admire a man that she has to tell this?

So, for the woman who feels like she no longer admires her husband, I say this:
Remember who he represents, and admire him for that.  We do this all the time (or we should.)  There are officers or those in authority that we don't genuinely respect, but we respect their position enough to at least be courteous to them.  The same is true in this situation.  If you love and admire Christ, then for His sake, respect your husband as a representative of Christ.  Furthermore, there must be SOMETHING you admire about your husband, even if it's just the MEMORY of admirability!  You wouldn't have EVER gotten with him if you didn't admire him in the beginning.  Whatever he was then, somewhere inside, he is that now.

For those women who are not yet married, who are engaged or are looking for a man to marry, know that your fiancee, or your yet unknown future husband, wants you as a best friend with whom he can be free, and that he wants you to admire him.  The beautiful thing is, as of now, you have a choice of who you are going to be with.  So choose wisely according to these three things.

Find someone whom you feel you can be best friends for life, someone with whom you are free to be, and whom you admire physically, soulically, and spiritually.  Admire the strength and beauty of his body, the depth of his mind, the strength of his will, the passion of his emotions. Admire his faith and love and obedience to God.  Admire his God given purpose and presence.

As a man, be a best friend and companion.  In your eyes let this woman see the father of her children.  Let her see your vulnerability, and in this let her feel free.  Live such an admirable life that the awe in her eyes never ceases when she looks at you and thinks about you.

Men and women are a reflection of the love story between Creator and creation. 
Don't listen to Oprah or Cosmopolitan.  
Don't listen to men and women who don't listen to the Creator of all creation.

What men really want from women is what the Creator wants from all of creation.  
Let us be what God made us to be, now and for all eternity, for God's honor and glory.
Amen.
 

What MEN really WANT from WOMEN (Part 1)

Cosmopolitan fails to really know men.
Oprah Winfrey fails to really understand men.
Women fail to really comprehend men.

Who can know men better than their one Creator and Maker?  Who can know men better than men who listen to God?  Who can know men better than women who listen to God and mature men?  Therefore it is wise to listen to God, The Origin of men, not Cosmopolitan, not Oprah, not women.

Men want three things from women:
1.  A Complimentary Companion (A best friend)
2.  Vulnerability (To be free to just be)
3.  Admiration (the look in their eyes when women are in love with men)

This is true of every man and all men, because of their purpose in God's creation: to be God's image and likeness and reflection, to be exactly like His Son.  God made men like Him in sharing God's desire for His own creation.  God desires the three things that men desire, and thus He made man like Himself.  Notice I use the word "desire" instead of need in relation to God, who has no need.  Men need these things from women, and women have their own complimentary needs from men, both being members of creation.  But God is needless, Self existent and Self sufficient.  Men and women are neither, and thus they need each other.  So in men we see a reflection of God's relation to creation.  Listen to God's very own perspective concerning men:

 The Lord God said, 

“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:18

These are God's words, not the man's, nor the woman's, for she is not yet a member of creation.  Among the animals, the man is alone, which shows us the man is not an animal.  And with God alone man is still alone, according to God Himself.  The man isn't on God's level; he is not God's equal.  Man is like God, but God is not like man. So in all of creation man has no companion...until God in his goodness made the woman!

The man needed someone to be with and share his all of his life with, a friend like no other, not a mother, a sister, or a brother.  He needed someone like him, though not exactly like him, someone who complimented him and who was an equal to him.  He needed this physically, soulically, and spiritually, as we will see when we explore vulnerability.  

(Click here to continue with me.)

What MEN really WANT from WOMEN (Part 2)

Men want three things from women:
1. Companionship
2. Vulnerability
3.  Admiration.

All men, and every man, wants these three things from the women in their lives, especially their wives or fiancees.  Companionship is complimentary to vulnerability, as we will see.

 "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."

Genesis 2:25

Men want the beauty of the liberty found in intimacy, summed up in the one word:

Vulnerability.

The joy of simply being free to just be!

Physically, this means affection.  It means he can touch and caress and hold his wife without limitations or frustrations.  This involves sex with his wife, but is much deeper.  It means he does not have to hide his attraction or need of her affection.  Teasing is for the immature, because they make sex a game, a means of manipulation or domination.  This is not the desire of the mature man nor woman.  He is free to desire her body, and her body only.

Soulically, he is free to be.  He may share his thoughts, emotions, and passions with her without fear of rejection or negation.  Yes, men want this!  The world lies and make men seem to want one thing.  They do want that one thing, but not ONLY that one thing, nor do they want that one thing for a shallow reason.  (I speak of good men! Men of God!)  

Spiritually, the man wants a woman who is one with the very purpose and presence of God!  He wants to share the deepest things in his spirit, for them to experience the heaven on earth of union with God!  He wants to experience the ultimate with her, to share his deepest longings and desires and dreams and visions that are God given.  He wants to know hers as well!  

Men want to give their spirit, soul, and body freely to one woman only!

They want to have the spirit, soul, and body of one woman only!

They want her to be naked and not ashamed, not afraid, not self-conscious, no wall between them.  He wants this because she WANTS to give this.  She wants to give this to her man because of admiration!  (Click here for the conclusion.)

How much attention should a woman get? (Part 3)

The third category of women is the discriminate woman, the one whose "vibes" are very specific and focused.  If she is married, she is giving off a very intensely specific transmission to ONE KIND OF MAN.  So only that kind of man would pick up on it.  Think of vibrations like radio station transmissions.  The adulterous woman is like both an Am and FM station.  She wants ALL ears, EVERY channel.  The indiscriminate woman may be an AM dial, or a FM dial. She is very general, and may or may not be an adulteress.  But the discriminate vibe is ONE channel ONLY.  

If this woman is unmarried and wants to be married, then her vibe will be transmitted ONLY to men who want to be married.  If she is an unmarried Christian who wants to be married, then it will ONLY be to Christian men who want to be married.  If she is a very mature Christian, it will ONLY be to MATURE Christian men who want to be married.  These women generally go unnoticed because they ONLY want to be noticed by a specific man.  The married woman also saves her transmissions for only her husband.  Her dedication to God and her husband gives her discretion in all of her relations.  She neither craves, desires, or strives for general attention.

Now we come to how all three types of women lead us to the answer to our question.

1. The adulterous woman in category one wants EVERY man's attention.  She wants to be the center of his gaze in a way that only God should be; and she wants to captivate him in a way that only his wife should captivate him.  She transmits a general vibration to all men. 
2. The indiscriminate woman also transmits a general vibration, but perhaps with different intentions.  Either she simply intends to communicate availability (indiscriminately), or she is willing to have any and every man, married or unmarried.   
3. The discriminate woman gives one transmission:  to her present husband or future husband.

So, the answer to our question is this:  A woman should not get EVERY man's attention.  (Or every woman's attention for that matter.)  Only God should have every human's attention, and even He does not get it.  A woman should have the attention of her Creator as a member of creation, from creation as a fellow creation, and of her husband in complete singular devotion.  These scriptures perfectly sum up my thoughts:


Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. I Timothy 5:1-2

Here Paul gives Timothy a complete break down of all human relationships!  

Now it seems that I need to give a clarification.  When I asked about attention in relationship to women, I was really focused on the attention of sexual attraction.  Not just this attention, but ESPECIALLY this attention, because as I said, our culture primarily tempts women to seek the attention of physical sexual attraction, with a focus and emphasis on physical beauty.

So, when we look at Paul's words, we can easily see how to gauge how much attention to give and receive, whether we are men or women.  If you are woman, think of your father or brothers, older or younger.  If you have a good relationship with your father and brothers, this may be easier to imagine.  What kind of attention do you want from your father or brothers in relationship to your physical beauty?  I know the kind of attention you DO NOT WANT:  SEXUAL ATTRACTION! It is an abomination for a father to be sexually attracted to his daughter, and likewise a brother for his sister.  Now this gives us an exceedingly high standard in male and female relationships, telling what kind of attention and how much we should give and receive.  As a man, I should view all older women AS I WOULD MY MOTHER, unless my wife just so happens to be an older woman; then she would be the ONLY older woman for whom I should experience sexual attraction.  Every younger woman should be viewed as I view my very own little sister, WITH "ABSOLUTE PURITY" as Paul said.  As I think of my little sister, I know exactly what Paul means.  I remember my little sister in diapers, and a specific picture of her in diapers.  Now she is a grown woman; attractive; she even has a "nice body," (though it hurt my fingers to even type those words about her!)  She's my sister!  So I'm not sexually attracted to her and won't look at her like that, even though she has...a..."nice body."  (Allow me time to recover.....)

Alright. Do you see what I'm saying?  Only one man, a husband, should see a woman as sexually attractive, which means a woman should have vibration discrimination, very specific sexual transmission.  And likewise for a man with a woman.  

We choose our impressions.  We come across exactly as we intend to.  Think of it like this.  You see two women with skin tight shirts on.  One has the word "hottie" on the front of the shirt, conveniently over her bulging breasts.  The other has no word. Her shirt is fluorescent yellow though.  Now, what do you imagine is the emphasis of these two women?  How do you imagine they want to come across?

Now some may object and say, "Maybe they just liked the shirts."  Perhaps.  But why do they like those shirts?  "Maybe they like feeling 'comfy and cozy,' and tight shirts give them a sense of security, like an all day 'hug.'"  Maybe.  BUT I DOUBT IT!  AND SO DO YOU!

We make the impressions we want to make.  We control our impressions.  Maybe these two girls are just trying to "be in style."  If so, then that's how they come across...and the style just so happens to be "sexy" or "hottie."  (By the way, the one without "hottie" on her shirt may be communicating the very same thing, subtly.)

At any rate, BOTH are attracting more attention then they should get.  Would they dress like this on a date with their father or brothers?  Maybe.  And could a father say, "Wow sweetie, your breast are really sexy!?"  That sounds suspect now doesn't it?  Technically, he could acknowledge his daughter's beauty and sexuality, but we all know he shouldn't look at her to sexually DESIRE her, even if she is desirable.  The same with her brothers.  

Some will argue that God made the beauty of sexuality and it can be viewed artistically, like with naked bodies in art.  Maybe.  But I seriously doubt that I should look at naked artistic photos of my father, mother, and sisters.  Perhaps other men could look at them WITHOUT IMAGINING HAVING SEX WITH THEM.  And that is indeed my point:  Only one person should see you and me sexually--our wives or husbands.  God's view of sex is sacred and singular.  Yet we seek be sexy in general...to men and women in general...when marriage is not a general relationship.

In conclusion:

We are members of creation.  The first person that knew of our existence was God, who "knitted us together in" the secret place of our "mother's womb and created our inmost beings," as scripture says.  Think hard about this.  Before our father or mother knew we were conceived, before our mothers missed a period or took a pregnancy test, God knew our mothers were pregnant.  He saw us before anyone else did.  So the first person we should seek attention from is our Creator.

Next, we can seek the attention of older men as fathers, older women as mothers, younger men as brothers, and younger women as sisters in absolute purity.  Our husbands and wives ONLY should see us sexually.

If we want more attention than this, then we want what is not ours to have.

May we each receive AND BE SATISFIED WITH the attention God intends to give us.  

As a married man, do I need any other woman to find me sexually attractive?  Should I seek the attraction and attention of other women?  Of course not.  If my wife finds me desirable, then I am desirable indeed.  And if she fails to express desire for me, then I should go to God about this, AND STILL MAINTAIN FAITHFULNESS, "for better or for worse, for rich or for poor..."

May we no longer be greedy and needy.  May we seek only the attention God has given.

How much attention should a woman get? (Part 2)

Women who seek attention indiscriminately are more complicated.  The adulteress purposely seeks attention she should not receive, seeking more attention than she is due, the attention that only God and husbands should receive.  She is easy to know from afar and thus easier to resist.  But the woman in category two, as listed in my first article, may be expressing legitimate or illegitimate desires, and thus could be more dangerous.  This is how.

Let's say she is unmarried and wants to be married.  She may be simply "putting it out there" that she is "available."  Now she is not giving off a specific vibe to a specific man or even a specific kind of man.  Some may call her "desperate," but I don't like the negative connotation of that word.  She just wants to be in a relationship very badly, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that....unless she doesn't care whether the man is married or not.  Then she would move from category two to category one.  I've personally experienced this.  Two women have approached me as a married man.  One expressed attraction, and after I told her I was married she said, "Well, if you don't mind she doesn't matter!"  Adulteress!  Evil!  She wasn't wrong for finding me attractive, but for dishonoring my wife.  The second woman, after finding out I am married, said, "How married are you?"  Wickedness!  Hellishness!  They both moved from category two to category one.

So in summary, the category two woman, if she is unmarried, may simply want to be in a relationship very badly, and may be making that known through the vibration she transmits.  Her vibe is indiscriminate.  If she respects other committed relationships, she remains in category two, but if she does not respect other relationships, she becomes an adulteress in category one.

Now some category two women are married.  The same applies to them.  The married woman may not be getting the attention she should be getting from her husband. So she "gives off" a kind of lonely vibe, a vibe that longs to be noticed and appreciated.  If she goes to her husband and tells him this, she remains in category two.  If her husband refuses to be sensitive to his wife's needs, and she goes to God, she still remains in category two.  God feels great love and compassion for these women, and will vindicate them.  He noticed the unloved Leah in the story of Jacob, and he notices all wives who are unloved.  

But if the unloved or ignored wife takes matters into her own hands and gives off vibes indiscriminately, she moves to category one and becomes an adulteress, seeking the attention of a man that is not her husband.  She becomes a kind of "desperate housewife" if you will.  This vibe is very distinct, and must be avoided or resisted.  I believe this is actually warned about in Proverbs by Solomon when he speaks of an adulterous woman whose husband is away.  (See Proverbs 5, Proverbs 6:20-35, and especially Proverbs 7.)

Now remember our goal and focus is this:  To answer the question, "How much attention should a woman get?"  Each category of women I'm describing is leading us to the answer...found in part 3...click here.

How much attention should a woman get? (Part 1)

In my articles, "How to make yourself ATTRACTIVE," "The answer to the question:  WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN?"and "The answer to the unasked question:  WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD WOMEN?" I focus on the key to beauty:  Humility.  And I define humility as self-forgetfulness, as not intentionally drawing attention to ourselves.  Our motto in life should be captured in the words of John the Baptist in relation to Jesus:  

"He must increase, and I must decrease." John 3:30

 I focus on women in this article because I believe they are the ones primarily tempted to draw attention to themselves physically in this culture.  I speak as a man who experiences this temptation of feminine seduction.

I find these categories of seeking attention in different women:

1.  The indiscriminate vibe of seduction (married or unmarried)

2.  The indiscriminate vibe of seeking attention (married or unmarried)

3.  The discriminate vibe of seeking attention (unmarried and married)

I'll deal with each.

When I say "vibe," I mean a literal vibration; an invisible and intangible transmission broadcast by women (and men.)  I'm specifically dealing with the transmission broadcast by certain women.  Men know how the transmission feels, and some women are more skilled at transmission than others.  

Now for category number 1, I have experienced an intense transmission that feels like irresistible temptation.  It feels like I CAN'T look away from a certain kind of woman, so I have to literally and intensely resist looking at her.  She is a seductress, and this vibe is pure evil.  If she is unmarried, she is basically tempting me to commit adultery.  If she is married, she is tempting me and herself to commit adultery.  The adulteress wants the attention of EVERY man!  Indeed, she wants the attention that ONLY GOD and a husband should receive.  Remember this, because it is the difference between life and death.  This woman wants ALL attention on her, and only GOD should receive ALL attention!  Yet even God doesn't receive or FORCE all attention to be on Him!  The Lord Jesus could have chosen a body that was irresistibly sexy!  Literally all heads could have turned when he entered the room.  But in his HUMILITY he chose a body that was not exceptionally attractive OR UNATTRACTIVE.  

(I can't stress this enough about category one.  The goal is not to be "homely," but to be godly, to be like Christ.  Even if you are just plain "awesome," you clearly are not more awesome than God!  So if Christ could conceal his glory, surely a man and woman can conceal their "sexy"!  No man's muscles are so "awesome" that he just can't contain them, so much so that he HAS to go shirtless!  And no woman's "voluptuousness" is so overwhelming that no matter what shirt or skirt she wears, her womanhood and bosom must burst forth in all of their splendor!  No man or woman is more beautiful THAN GOD!  So if Jesus can conceal his beauty for God's glory, so can we, no matter how "sexy" we may be!)

So the adulteress is really idolatrous.  She wants to be worshiped by men AND WOMEN!  She is not content to be beautiful, but wants to be MORE beautiful than every other woman.  Competition.  Pride!  This must be opposed and resisted where ever it is met.  Now for category two...click here.

The answer to the unasked question: WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD WOMEN?

(Previously I wrote a blog answering the question:  "Where are all the good men?"  To read it, click here.)

There seems to be this assumption:

That a plethora of good women sit around in hopeless frustration, waiting for nonexistent good men.  In other words, it is assumed that there are very many good women and very few (if any) good men; that it is much easier to find a good woman than it is to find a good man.  I'll tell you who does NOT assume this:  good men, AND GOD!  

Look at these scriptures:

“Look,” says the Teacher,“this is what I have discovered:

“Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things—

while I was still searching

but not finding—

I found one [upright] man among a thousand,

but not one [upright] woman among them all.

This only have I found:

God made mankind upright,

but men have gone in search of many schemes.”

Ecclesiastes 7:27-29

Whatever the Teacher means, what we find in these words is this:  If it is hard to find a good man, it is just as hard, if not harder, to find a good woman.  At any rate, there is no favoritism with God.  As far as He is concerned, both good men and good women are rare.  

Look again at these familiar words:

 A wife of noble character who can find? 

She is worth far more than rubies. 

Proverbs 31:10

Rare indeed, and hard to find, is a wife of noble character.  When a man finds her, he finds with her God's favor, according to the scriptures.  But where does he find her?

BEHIND THE SCENES!

This very same trait that makes a good man attractive does the same for a good woman:  HUMILITY.  

As I said in my article on finding a good man, so I say about finding a good woman:  

A good woman may be found literally or figuratively behind the scenes.   

Literally, like Christ, she does not strive to draw all attention to herself.  She is content to go unnoticed so that Christ, her truest love, may be noticed instead.  This is contrary to the ways of this world, where women suffer the temptation of seduction.  This world promotes the idea of a woman turning every head when she walks in the room, the heads of men AND women alike!  She must STAND OUT!  Through make up, tight and revealing clothes, perfumes, and many other tactics, she seeks to be seen and noticed and focused upon.  This is not the way of the woman of God, the good woman.

Even in leadership positions, she doesn't seek to be center of attention.  Her focus is on the will of God, loving God, and loving people. Her confidence is in the love of her Savior, Husband, and Brother, Jesus the Lord.  Having his love and attention, she desires the love of one man, her beloved husband.  With her Lord, and her lover, she is content.  She seeks no more attention than they give.

If you are a good man, as I say again, you have probably already met her.  She may be in the background, doing her job, studying for her exams.  She may be quiet or outgoing, but either way, she is not self-centered.  Her beauty radiates from the inside out.  She does not force your attention via tactics of seduction.  You may notice her if you choose, but you do have a choice.  She is rare among women.  If you have met her, do not lose sight of her.  If you haven't yet met her, now you know where to look, and who to look for.

Look behind the scenes.

Look for the one who doesn't demand your attention through seduction.